queer community building

A preamble:

Edited from Civil Dialogue: Communication from Person to Person

“No matter what language one acquires, it is clear that the development of language skills will help to provide the conditions which enhance one's ability to act with both reason and compassion, and to make sound decisions.

Whether or not one chooses to apply them all in daily speech, the underlying rules of order in language are useful, not only in describing relationships between persons and objects they often will help to create the relationships between and among people.

The best hope for sustaining individuals and nations in our "global society," is to reduce the need to resort to military force to clarify misunderstandings and settle disputes rather than through various forms of wasted energy in violent aggression. Language is a vital tool for preserving order and a civil society no matter who or where you are.

The rational aspect of language skill, a "literal-mindedness", involves an awareness of the process as well as the product of transmitting ideas, concepts and impressions... Language provides a substantial framework for "ordering" one's experience and for communicating it in a clear way from one person to another. It is of greatest value in avoiding the costliness of misunderstanding.

The creative use of language to facilitate the practice of transparent interactions between and among people in all walks of life will help to assure that sensible, fair decisions can be made based on the same shared information. Essentially, this is the foundation of liberty: individual responsibility and the free exchange of ideas and information for all. The best hope for resolving conflicting interests so that an outcome yields the greatest benefit to both interests is through dialogue.

Were the leaders of warring nations able to communicate effectively with each other and with their people? And, also with the people whose lands or goods may be in dispute? And, were these adversaries able to listen? Perhaps (through the voices of their people..) Were they willing to come to a decision to engage in respectful dialogue leading to equitable agreements that replace the persuasive characteristics of muskets to avenge insult…?

We are all improved by sharing information and in attempting to share our experience. We're especially enriched by our having a sense of ourselves, in place and time, and a sense of history which includes some understanding and appreciation for the underlying motivations for human behavior in the acts of individuals and of nations.

We are also challenged to have the clarity and compassion to make history both as individuals and as members of communities and nations through the uniquely suited tool of language to engage in competition and in conflict through dialogue rather than any other more wasteful alternatives.”

And, now my post:

It is not my intention to preach or to appear as if I’m good at doing what I am about suggest…

Conflict is unavoidable in life - Conflict among friends has got to be the most difficult land mine to travel through but IMHO it must be done. It must be done because if we can’t figure out how to be present, strong and willing to grow stretch and be in places that are uncomfortable then nobody can.

This is not to say that tolerating abuse is acceptable.

Like in the boxing ring, both people are responsible to set the tone of the spar. The one being pummelled has the responsibility to stop the aggressor, to refuse to drop into the training of centuries that her body isn’t her own. As my kokoro says: to refuse to provide herself as a vessel for the use/abuse of others.

This is revolutionary: that a spar is an agreement to participate in controlled conflict and that the same principles can be applied to real life conflict. Like one of my Toronto Newsgirls t-shirts say, “think outside of the ring.” So, to refuse to drop into a victim role is as equally important as taking responsibility for wrong doing or abusive behaviour and adjusting / monitoring / changing - and, if necessary, getting help: a coach in your corner.

In all conflict there are two sides, two stories, two versions of the “truth.” No one person holds the absolute truth because there is no such thing. But, we can be truthful and honest about how we both contribute to the conflict. Vilifying the person I am angry with is a habit I am trying to break because most of the time the reason I do this is because I am really trying to avoid thinking about what I agreed to participate in – and therefore, how I contributed to the situation. It is hard to think that what this implies that I was, in fact, responsible in some way.

Now, I’m not talking about physical/emotional violence in a committed relationship. This has its own dynamics and is an entirely other story. What I am referring to here is – friendships.

I also agree that sometimes it is good to walk away; to decide to end a friendship or at least change the boundaries of the friendship. It is tough to do this and especially to do it with compassion, strength and respect. Because one person is “fighting dirty” doesn’t mean we have the obligation to “fight dirty,” too.

We can simply step out of the ring – throw down our towel – say we do not want to engage in the present nature of conflict. We don’t have to buy into the ego’s “shame” that tells us we have to fight when presented with a fight no matter what the terms are.

Family – chosen family – is so important in the queer community because if we can’t take care of our chosen family we will truly forever be alone. If we can’t figure out how to peacefully resolve conflict we will never be free of war. If we can’t do this among our own we will never change the world “out there.”

The next time conflict rears its difficult, trouble-making head (and, it will, I guarantee it) think about how you want this lesson to go.

My question is: How revolutionary do you want to be?

"A great revolution in just one single individual will help achieve a change in the destiny of a society and, further, will enable a change in the destiny of humankind."
~Daisaku Ikeda